The Apprentice: A Pre-Final Explosion.

The Apprentice is fantastic television. Anyone who doesn't see that is a self-satisfied pathetic moron who should probably apply for The Apprentice so that we can watch them, laugh and turn to each other and say "God, isn't The Apprentice fantastic television?"

The Apprentice is brilliant for a number of reasons, and in the fine spirit of people numbering things, I shall number them.

1. You know you are infinitely more intelligent that anyone else on the programme, but at no point do you ever have to justify or prove it.

God they're stupid, aren't they? Aren't they?? It's so simple, you pin-striped grease pigeons, Sir Alan (I don't care, I know he's Lord Sugar now, but in the hearts and minds of the British public he is and ever will be Sir Alan) himself GAVE you a stall in Portobello market, PORTOBELLO FUCKING MARKET, where BITS OF AN OLD LEAF can sell for seven million pounds to the right hippy, just sell the damn home-made jam, get the profit and give Nick a cheeky feel up in the proceedings. Oh God, she's - she's just fallen over. Ha, ha ha, what FOOLS. You know what they haven't thought of? Everything I'm about to say. God I'm fantastic. This is fucking fantastic.

2. There's no horrible, crushing crushing guilt.

Thankfully, almost everyone on The Apprentice is a wanker. This makes the watching experience just so, so much more pleasurable. With programmes like Britain's Got Talent, or X-factor, sure it's fun, but you can't help feeling like you're watching the 21st century equivelent of someone pushing over a horse. Sure, it's funny, we've all had a laugh, but there's a lingering, horse-flavoured shame that's difficult to shake off. It's laughter at the expense of the innocent fool, and though he's put himself up for this humiliation, that's still not reason enough to glory in his pain. The Apprentince, however? From the moment one smug contender leers into the camera "Yah, yah, well, I'm pretty cut throat you know? Business is business, if you can't take the heat, get out of my listed fireplace," you can sit back, relax and sigh happily, safe in the knowledge that this waste of carbon deserves nothing more than having his head mashed repeatedly into the toilet of TV ritual humiliation.

3. Sir Alan is amazing.

He's just fucking brilliant. Yes, every series he looks more and more like a tree grandmother, but by God if everything he says isn't absolute fucking gold. The genius of the boardroom scenes is that it's a lot like holding your breath for a really, really long time, then suddenly breathing in precious, life-giving oxygen - aware in a way you never were before of its purity and significance. Every candidate talks utter, breath stealing bullshit, on and on and profit margins and client negotiation and yes but you didn't blah blah taking the lead, stifling my blah shit shit blah, and then just when you think you can't take it any more, can't physically handle the level of pure verbal muck that's being shoved unendingly into your ears, Sir Alan comes out with "Yeah whatever, but you didn't actually do anything, did you Clive?" And breathe in.

4. Nick.

If I have to explain it, you'll never understand it.


So there, in utterly non-brief, are just some of the reasons why The Apprentice is incredible. But this time around, there's a whole new level. Teenagers. Just sit back, and think about that for a minute. TEENAGERS. Competing in challenges just as hard (and I use that term loosely), as proper, grown-up apprentice! Dear God, Nick, that was your idea wasn't it? You wily cartoon grandfather clock. Thing is, now there's a whole new level to the scorning of the contestants on the show. Because actually, you have to be a bit frightened of them too, frightened in a way you were never, ever frightened of the toothy goons that flocked into the previous series. These kids are 16.

16.

When I was 16, if i could look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears cos I'd stuffed my bra unevenly again, I was doing pretty freaking well. These kids want to take over the world. At 16, I was worried that a side-parting was a bit too ambitious. And you kind of have to give them credit for that. Or do you? Because they're still stupid. Still just as stupid as anyone else that has ever graced this show. But they're fucking 16. God, I don't even know anymore, and this kind of delicious distress is wonderful in the way that a tequila shot is wonderful. Am I drunk? I don't even know. I mean, yes technically I am, obviously, but psychologically I've never felt more powerful.

So let's do a quick rundown of the remainding contenders, in light of tonight's final. I cannot wait.

We've got:

Arjun : The asian boy equivelent of that girl from Miracle On 34th Street, Arjun is the favourite to win. He's brainy, he's mathsy, he seems like he hates everyone except Tim, and he treats the programme like an interesting dream he's having - utter bemusement, but with a willingness to go along with what's happening nevertheless, safe in the knowledge that quite soon it will all come to an end

Tim: Half teen heart throb, half hedge, Tim is the charming well-meaner of the group, who unfortunately seems to fall over things rather a lot. He asks some surprisingly savvy business questions, considering he talks about Monopoly so much, and he seems to switch every five minutes to and from being the only one who talks any sense to an utter, utter bastard.

Kirsty: An otter with a fringe, Kristy seems to have no personality traits to speak of, but we can certainly be sure that she's very short, and has massive breasts. Which, as a sixteen year old, is pretty much all you need.

Zoe: Oh Zoe. Zoe is by far the most terrifying person in the universe. Why she thought basing both her personality and appearance on the character of Draco Malfoy was a good idea, I don't really understand. Remember that bit in the first Lord Of The Rings film (second Lord Of The Rings film? Anyway-) where Frodo offers the one ring to beautiful, soft and lovely Cate Blanchett? Remember how she hesitiates before taking it, exploding into a nightmarish vision of a world ruled by a DARK QUEEN? Zoe wouldn't hesitate. Not even for a second. Please don't let Zoe win. For the sake of the world as we know it, don't let Zoe win.