McElderry vs Rage: A Practical Discussion

There's been a lot of tomfoolery, humdiggery and fopcockery going on over the last couple of weeks, significantly to do with Christmas, and the shinbobberies of those sail in her. (I think I only made one of the words above, but I can't be sure).

Christmas is a time of beautiful tradition. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire (which doesn't exist, because everyone just has Heinz microwave-a-chestnuts now), velvet scarves, looking at the Christmas tree whilst you put baubles on thinking "wow that's a lot of pine needles that just fell off. For no reason. Like a lot. A really lot though. Should I sweep them up? I should probably sweep them up. Do we even own a broom though? Could use the hoover. But then what if the pine needles block the hoover and mum gets all angry again even though i was just bloody trying to help and its CHRISTMAS for fuck's sake and BOLLOCKS to this, jesus, sometimes you can't do anything right, forget it I'm just going to set the thing on fire."

I've slightly forgotten what I was talking about, but the point is, Christmas presents are great. And also, that the Christmas Number One debate is one that we celebrate like clockwork every year. Remember when 'Mad World' won it? And everyone was all "yeah. fuck YEAH man! Cos like, everything is all shitted up and a bit of shiny fucking tinsel and Simpson's Cluedo doesn't change that you capitalist wankers." Though actually everyone was really just thinking "God its a bit dull, isn't it?" What a year.

So this time around, the debate is raging (hahahahaha yes I know brilliant) between Rage Against The Machine and X-factor winner Joe McElderry. In the pop-tastic, Jonathan Ross and M&S mince pies section of the world, the argument goes that Joe deserves it because he's got a lovely face, he's sung over 7 songs to a live audience and well.. because he just bloody does alright? In the FUCK YOU AMERICA, 'I'm using black tinsel this year' Rage section, the battle cry is more "DEATH TO SIMON COWELL, the revolution is nigh! Grab him by his very world-decision-making tongue and string him to a plastic violin that screeches out 'Bleeding Love' using his very INNARDS until he is ACTUALLY BLEEDING and HOW WE WILL LAUGH THEN"

Both compelling arguments, I'm sure we all agree.

But, in my humble, brilliant opinion, I think everyone is rather missing the point. There's only one way to judge this epic, never-to-be-forgotten (until christmas eve or so) battle. And that is by looking at the songs themselves. Strip away the ragged clothing of context, and gaze upon the shivering, supple product in all its nakedness. One of these songs is a more appropriate Christmas song than the other. Simple as that. One of them brings to the forefront of all of us the true meanings behind Christmas. And it is our job to find out which it is.

So. Lets have a proper bloody look, shall we?

Joe McElderry: The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming- so he's asleep to begin with, which isn't really a good start.
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it" - a rather depressing message for children around the world at this time, don't you think, Joe?

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking - Oh dear oh dear, blasphemy eh? Did our Lord Jesus complain his symmetrical face off when he was NAILED TO A PIECE OF WOOD?If so, the bible dealt with that entire situation with great subtlety. You're just walking down a road, Joe. Keep it together.

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move- Joe is in fact here saying that he himself wishes to become our God, our Lord on high, and as the bible states "If you worship anyone else, I will fucking rail you"
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb- Joe's love of mountaineering is admirable, but not particuarly fitting with the spirit of Christmas. Perhaps more a comic relief song? He could climb one of these mountains he loves so bloody much for some kids dying of death?

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on I would rather delicately suggest here that Joe's song is almost entirely about his own personal troubles, an attitude that, at Christmas, is extrememly inappropriate.

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah! I can't help but feel bored and rather insulted at Joe's continuing insistence in telling us about his extreme hobbies. He is perhaps directing this song at his parents? As a way to suggest possible hill-related Christmas presents?

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose- slightly sinister?
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side- Damning heaven?
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby now indoctrinating youngsters to join his hiking, half-awake brainwashing, christianity bashing cult, with HIM at the centre like a grinning, crooning, boot wearing golden idol?
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa.


A frightening look there, into the world of X-factor future.

Now. To the competition.

Rage Against The Machine: Killing In The Name Of

Some of those that work forces
are the same that burn crosses. - instantly the song hooks us n with a delightful and very relevent comparison between our daily lives, and the sufferings Jesus McChrist went through on the cross.
Some of those that work forces
are the same that burn crosses.- Helpful to have it repeated, in case you didn't hear it quite right.
Some of those that work forces
are the same that burn crosses.- And again, perhaps with the knowledge that many who will listen to the xmas number one will be the over 70s, whose hearing may in fact be impaired.
Some of those that work forces
are the same that burn crosses. Uggh!

Killing in the name of!
Killing in the name of!- A harrowing but extremely potent reminder of the Easter result of all this Christmas frivolity. Jesus may have been born. But lets never forget...
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya- their dedication to the hard of hearing is admirable at a time of year when often, the less able among us can be forgotten
Those who died
are justified
for wearing the badge- a lovely little reference to the decorations of the seasons,
they're the chosen whites- as in 'a white christmas'
You justify
those that died
by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
Those who died
are justified
for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
You justify
those that died
by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites

Some of those that work forces
are the same that burn crosses.
Some of those that work forces
are the same that burn crosses.
Some of those that work forces
are the same that burn crosses.
Some of those that work forces
are the same that burn crosses. It's also nice to see that they haven't forgotten those who may suffer from memory loss.

Killing in the name of!
Killing in the name of! - the rousing chorus!

And now you do what they taught ya
And now you do what they taught ya
And now you do what they taught ya
And now you do what they taught
And now you do what they taught ya, now you're under control
And now you do what they taughtya, now you're under control
And now you do what they taughtya, now you're under control
And now you do what they taught ya, now you're under control
And now you do what they taught ya, now you're under control
And now you do what they taught ya, now you're under control
And now you do what they taught ya, now you're under control
And now you do what they taught ya!!! - A celebration of the traditions that bind us all together at this time of year! Passed down through the generations to create one consciousness, one mind, one very thought at this magical time!

Those who died
are justified
for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
You justify
those that died
by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
Those who died
are justified
for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
You justify
those that died
by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
Come on!

(Guitar Solo)
Uggh!

Yeah! Come on! Uggh!

(Get louder until 9th by which time shouting)
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me. An ironic wink towards the young kiddies on this festive day, the tantrums, the brandy shared between a family row, a cautious but cheeky nod towards the rambunctiousness of Christmas
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.- all together now!
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!

MOTHERFUCKER!!!! Ugh!!- the row descends into a final, happy sigh. An acknowledgement that at the end of the day, no matter what our differences, this is a time of sharing and loving.

I think it's clear that we have our winner. Now go forth, and spread the word.

Bless us, everyone, and remember, "fuck you, I won't do what you tell me".

Merry Christmas.