How The David Cameron/Nick Clegg Conversation Will Go

What's almost definitely happening RIGHT NOW



Cameron - "Look. OK Nick, lets get down to the nitty gritty. How about I give you a million pounds."

Clegg - "What?"

Cameron - "Think about it Nick. You and your spanish bit could go away, see the world, we could put that member of sum41 in your place and no-one would be any the wiser."

Clegg - "But - "

Cameron- "It's a good offer. It's an offer for change, Nick, there's no denying it."

Clegg - "Change?"

Cameron - "Change! Change Nick! Change is fucking amazing! Fucking CHANGE, man. I'm getting changed right now!"

Clegg - "oh my god, is that -"

Cameron - "thats right Nick. My lower dangler looked a bit too much like a red tie for my liking, so I had it burnt off, and put the head of a fox in its place"

Clegg- " Oh dear God that's-"

Cameron - "CHANGE, Nick. That's the ticket! Now, about this million-"

Clegg - "Look, I don't want it"

Cameron - "Really? Cos that's... that's never not worked."

Clegg- " Look, you know the deal, if I come in with you now, I'm going to look like a tit."

Cameron - "a tit?"

Clegg - "its like a breast, but... more fun"

Cameron "...................I see."

Clegg - "Though to be honest, none of the bastards fucking voted for me"

Cameron - "Well exactly"

Clegg - "they promised,"

Cameron - "I know they did"

Clegg - "We did pinkie swears Dave-"

Cameron - "Jesus Christ"

Clegg - "and then they.. fucking..."

Cameron - "They're wankers, that's why. Would you like some peacock udder?"

Clegg - "thats, thats not even-"

Cameron - "I like my udders furry, you see, so had the damn animal things fused together"

Clegg - "but... but peacocks aren't even furry."

Cameron "Nick please. "Dog udder" sounds fucking horrible. Sam would rip my balls off. Well, she would. If I hadn't turned them into diamonds."

Clegg - "True."

Cameron- "CHANGE!"

Clegg - "what?"

Cameron - "nothing, sorry."

Clegg - "you need to give me this electoral reform thing, Dave."

Cameron - "we have. I told you. We will totally open up our discussion panel to the possibilities of of *mumble mumble 1974 mumble and seriously, have some udder"

Clegg - "for fuck's sake, i can't go back to them with that. They'll have my fucking arse"

Cameron- "Oh Nick, come now. Lets just do this step by step. Seriously. We believe in you. You believe in us. Come on, give me a hug."

Clegg - "what? Oh, alright then

Cameron "Come here you,"

*sounds of a tustle*

Clegg "What the hell are you doing?"

Cameron - "what?"

Clegg - "What the shit is this? Is this.. have you just poured some blue paint down my back?"

Cameron- "it looks great. Seriously."

Clegg - "I'm off. If anyone asks, we clashed on the NHS and I stabbed you with a sword made of gold. Call my wife, and tell her we're leaving. Spain doesn't have to deal with this shit."

*He leaves*

Cameron - "Change!"