How To Protect Yourself (Or Your House) From Ninjas (Or Similar)

When I was a young girl, at the wee age of an age where you have no idea what your age is, I woke up to the sound of my parents being attacked by ninjas in the garden.

Now this, as you can imagine, was fairly upsetting. The noise was coming from outside, and was the kind of high pitch 'hiiiiiYAH YAH HIIIII' sound you'd expect from any respectable ninja. Like in the films. The ninja films. With ninja noises ACTUALLY in. There could be no other explanation. Too frightened to look out of the window in case I was spotted by a laser ninja eye, I decided that my parents needed to be called into action. A fairly ridiculous idea, now I think about it, as I'm pretty sure my dad's samuri experience was passable at best, and Mum's never even been a whizz with a fork, never mind anything else. But hey, I was.. however old I was, and at that time, most of life problem's were resolved by asking my parents for help, (rather than now, where all of my problems are solved by asking them for money.) So, foolishly confident in their Eastern combat abilities, I tiptoed quickly to their door (you cant RUN when there's ninjas around, they'll HEAR you), and popped my head through the door.
'Mum,' I said, quite calmly I thought, considering the grave situation the family was in, 'I think there's some ninjas in the garden.'
I waited for a sleepy response along the comforting lines of 'alright poppet I'll get my death rifle', but none came. There was silence. I stretched my wee (but even then already quite powerful and attractive) arm up and turned on the light. To my surprise, the bed was empty. No parents, no death rifle to be seen, and no chance of me going back to sleep. I was surprisingly calm as I stared at the bed, I think because actually, this situation made a lot more sense. Why would ninjas be crying out in a fighting and angry manner if they had no one to fight with? A ridiculous notion, to be sure! Obviously, my parents were outside, and fighting with their fighting skills! In many ways, the logic of the situation was quite reassuring. I only hope mum wasn't grappling with a fork.

So, with the sitatuon at least comfortingly clear in my mind, I did what any child does when she is awaiting the results of her parents death match with subburban garden ninjas, I sat on the stairs and contemplated my future life as a ninja child. I considered waking my brother, sleeping soundly in the next room, then contemptuously dismissed the idea- after all, if anyone in this house was going to be a a ninja child- it was me, and bloody Joe wasn't going to take that away from me like he took away the sippy sippy cup with the clown on it JUST BECAUSE he was younger and 'needed' it more than me. So I sat with my head in my hands, listening to the 'HIIIIYAA! YA YA YAA! HUP HAHA YAYAYA' from in the garden, twinned with the growing noise of my parents shouting a bit and muttering angrily to each other. As I recall it, I sat on those stairs for 7 hours. However, memory is a tricky thing. It may only have been 6. Anyway, eventually, after an unspecified amount of time, the front door suddenly swung open, and I gasped, my heart pounding. A ninja! In a white Cloak! And a Samuri white belt! Unfortunately, he then stepped into the light and what was a dazzling ninja ensemble became rather disappointingly similar to my father's dressing gown.
"DAD!" I yelled, suddenly flooded with relief that he had won the arduous battle against worthy foes, and had claimed me as his prize. I rushed down the stairs and flung myself into his arms, the daughter of a ninja slayer. He gathered me up proudly and placed me firmly back into bed, telling me that everything was OK now, I was safe, and by golly, did I sleep soundly and proudly that night.

Unfortunately it turned out that actually, some of our chickens had gotten out of the coup at about 1am, and mum and dad had chased them round the garden for about an hour and a half in their pyjamas, trying to get them to shut up by yelling at them quite loudly. Still. An eventful night, nevertheless.

The reason I tell this life-altering story (coyrighted, in case you're thinking of turning it into a film), is because tonight I sit alone in a large house, ready to hunker down and brave out the night. There's something about being in your old family home alone that takes you back to a time when ninjas lurked behind every chicken, and for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that if ever there was a night for me to hone my fork skills, this is that night.

Of course, I am well aware that it is ridiculous. And yet I feel compelled to make sure that that sound that I just heard that sounded rather like a dog drinking some water in the kitchen wasn't in fact a man breaking in through the roof with a saw. It also isn't really my fault, as my parents haven't really fostered much faith in the world around me. Any woman who keeps a baseball bat under her mattress under the pretence of 'you'll never know when you might fancy a game' isn't to be trusted, in my opinion. I have in fact woken up to the sound of my mother shouted 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING' storming down our drive, wielding a bat in one hand and a dog in the other whilst some young ruffians attempted to scale our gate. Needless to say, they scarpered. I'm pretty sure the dog was trying to do the same, but it did come off as menacing rather than terrified, so thats the main thing.

Anyway, the point is, no matter how unlikely and ridiculous it seems, you just don't know when ninjas might descend. How can you? So, with this in mind, I decided to write up a quick, efficient and easy to use guide entitled
'How To Protect Yourself (Or your House) from Ninjas (Or Similar)'
I think brackets in titles are really going to catch on.

So, for the safety and well being of you, your family, and those you know who aren't ninjas, I give you my advice. Use it well.

If you suspect a ninja (or similar) is entering your house, make sure you immediately do the following-

1. Make your bed- I know it would seem like tidying up should be the last thing on your mind at a time like this, but trust me, a proud housewife is a significantly alive housewife. A scrambled bedsheet is the mark of a panicked inhabitant. If you make your bed- you're as good as not home. There's no looking for you. And you also seem like a person who cares about cleanliness, and ninjas appreciate that. They wear all black dont forget- so stains wont show up.

2. Hide in a wardrobe- BUT (and this is the vital part) DON'T CLOSE IT COMPLETELY. Like most University educated people, i learnt almost everything I know from films about pirates. Closed wardrobes is the first place they check. If you leave it a bit open, with some clothes kind of sprawly, its casual-open-chic, cool man, your room is practically having a cigarette its so chilled out.

3. Take your glasses- damn. that probably should have been number one. Don't go back and get your glasses now if you're already in the wardrobe, but if you have them on you things will be a lot easier. I once groped my way downstairs (not in the fun way) whilst checking out a strange door banging noise, and my lack of sight made things such as walls and carpets look rather more like murderers then I would have liked.

4. Phone your mum- as we've discovered with last week's post, phoning the authorities is not always the way. Often, your mum will supply you with a button or a lever that will fix everything. Don't ask me how it works, but they do it.

5. If the lever is out of reach inside the wardrobe, have a quick search for narnia. You just never know, and it does always seem to turn up at the most bloody useful times.

6. The ninja will be, by now, inside the room, searching for golden dabloons, his long lost father and the peace of mind that means he can go back to his village and carve that chair he's always wanted to carve. Its unlikely that these things will be in your room. Best to keep as silent as you can. If you have difficulty doing this, try to imagine that someone has just said to you 'yeah, but don't you think creationism just sort of makes sense?' And do the silence you would do after that.

7. Its nearly over now. The ninja, having spotted the cunningly made bed, will assume he is alone, and will therefore be off his guard. At this point, you CHARGE the ninja, bursting out of the wardrobe with your bat and dog screaming 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?'

8. Oh, and plant a bat and dog inside the wardrobe first. Unless you can source them quickly from Narnia at the time.

9. Chase out ninja with a triumphant battle cry, safe in the knowledge that you have defended your home, your livelihood, and actually did a bit of tidying up for once.

10. and finally, tighten up the wires on your chicken coup. There's no need for two night's battle in a row.

Yakmonster x